Going Public

Ever get your film processed and the photographs comes back and you're stopped dead in your tracks? How did my supposed loved-ones let me out of the house dressed like that!? Or, why didn't anyone kindly tell me that I'm getting a double chin, Relief Society arms, or better yet, cankles? Apparently the person I've been seeing in the mirror does not match up with the reality that the picture shows. Not that people will really tell you the truth, but it does happen. Rosalie, our family friend in Mississippi upon seeing me the first time in 20 years said, "You a big girl (she catches herself here) but it looks good on you!"

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have always had "body issues," and it doesn't matter what weight I was at, it was never good enough. In high school I used to binge eat and then go running for miles. After one of my binge days where I ate a bunch of crap, I "fasted." I believe that's called starving yourself, but I called it "fasting" for legitimacy. (Religion gone wrong.) I've made loads of artwork about body image, written papers, visited with dieticians, blamed it on my mom, dad, bad genes, and most recently made films about it. Knowing that this "body obsession" takes up way too much of my time and keeps me from enjoying life, I've tried to shift my thinking and focus on the positive aspects of myself: how strong and robust I am (not husky, burly, or chunky.) How I can ride my bike, swim, and run. I have 10 toes. All my teeth are intact. And I'm good at making things, unlike Barbie dolls: really pretty, but can't do ANYTHING.

I bring this all up right now because it's stupid to let one "fat picture" ruin your day, ok? We are all so beautiful and speaking from my own experience, it is much better to not have an eating disorder than to have one and be an Olsen twin.

"listen to me, it's true!!!"