so I went to my full faculty review on Friday. It was in the museum of art conference room. I showed a powerpoint presentation of my work (twenty slides.) It was going okay until someone said, "you haven't talked about your work, or explained it very much yet. Could you talk about that?" That's when I kind of exploded internally. I can't TALK about my work very well, I'm sure the person wanted a nice, concise oneliner "my work explores the idea of spectatorship in our perverse world." I make art so that I don't have to talk. I felt myself getting angry up there in front of all my professors. And then I ended up talking about the recurring dream themes that I always have, how Mossie used to eat cornbread and onions with her friend in a playhouse, how I'm annoyed when people, especially LDS women, don't allow themselves to be upset or feel deeply. Like we're just supposed to be dumb and happy all the time. So I came off sounding crazy AND like an angry biznatch. Great. The faculty asked me what I liked so much about James Ensor. I replied I liked how gross and ugly everything is in his work, and I enjoy his negative social commentary. One of my professors asked, "Does it bother you that people will think your work is negative? tell us about that..." I'm wondering when I signed on to BYU if I signed something that said my work will not include nudity nor will it be negative. Where does it say we will only make "happy" stuff? I didn't anticipate such an emotional response to the review. I think I'm losing it.
Nah, I'm just learning how to talk about my art. Next time though, I'm just going to hem and haw, and give some generic response (Like Bob Dylan in the documentary "don't look back," he didn't give anyone a straight answer.) Better to be safe, than do an emotional vomit. So when you're asked, "How are you?" Just say "Fine."
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6 comments:
I like this blog entry! I know what you mean about LDS women. It is so easy to look at people and think everything is okay or perfect because that is the way it looks. I think it is good to show people that we are imperfect and that we have trials, but are striving to be the best we can be despite that. I think I might be to frank about my imperfections and trials sometimes. Thanks for the thought provoking post!
By the way, congrats on the review. I am sure they were impressed! :)
Em, love this post for too many reasons to count. Love your honesty. Don't forget to come visit Pasco again sometime.
I love this too Emily. Actually I feel that I can totally relate to your comment "I make art so that I don't have to talk." Sometimes I hate how I have to talk to people. And then I get more bothered because I get in trouble for saying that. And then there are other days when I am just craving someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like a crazy biznatch too. At least I have good company. I love seeing your work Em.
Emily, I appreciate you being you and not glossing over things or giving them the simple, trite answer. I think it's okay that it didn't go as well as planned, because you were being honest and showing your work, not someone else's. I love your work, btw. Poo on those who don't!
Dear Crazy Biznatch,
I heart you, I heart your art, and I heart this post.
For the record, I too hate all leading questions... Its as if "They" know what they WANT me to respond, and I'm not allowed anything else. Well here's a news flash for "Them": If you already know the answer you expect, why ask the question!?
Wow, I love a good rant.
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